This call from Credit Card Services lasted about a minute, but was highly informative. I pressed 1 to lower my interest rates, then …
CCS: This call is regarding an issue with your Visa and Mastercard credit card accounts. Based on changes in your credit score and repayment history over the last twelve months, you may be eligible for a lower interest rate. In order to qualify, you must have a balance on at least one card of at least $4000. Is that the case?
Me: Sure.
CCS: The interest rate on that account must average more than 12 percent. Is that the case?
Me: Sure.
CCS: I must verify your phone number. Our records show that it is [reads off number].
Me: Sure.
CCS: And your name is [reads off my formal name, which shows he doesn’t know me from Adam Smith].
Me: Sure.
CCS: What is the total balance on all your credit cards?
Me: Well, that’s hard to say.
CCS: All we need is an estimate.
Me: Let’s call it ten grand. [This is a lie. Next time, I’ll say twenty grand.]
CCS: And how many credit cards do you have?
Me: Four. [Also a lie. Next time, I’ll say eight.]
CCS: [background chatter, loud crash, call disconnects.]
Previous Credit Card Services contestants have sworn that they do not know what number they dialed. After you pass a minimum qualification, well, suddenly they do know your number and your name. Huh. Who’d’a thunk it?
This contestant did not pass me to the CCS Level 2 Closer, the guy who attempts to tongue-wrestle victims into divulging a credit card number that he will instantly siphon money out of. We recently burned the balance in a gift card obtained for test-driving a Toyota (hey, I won’t pass up free money), so maybe I’ll feed those digits into the next call.
If I sounded more enthusiastic, I’m sure I could reach the Closer!
I used to think that a sensible person running a scam like CCS would make it a point to not re-call smartasses who jerk my reps around. Now, I’m sure the reps run on pure commission and the marginal cost of making a phone call sits right around zero, so the sensible person running CCS has nothing to lose.
Search herein for Credit Card Services (or just CCS) to find previous installments of this continuing adventure.
The title is a tip o’ the cycling helmet to Zappa:
Motorcycle Man: Well, let’s make a deal if you think that’s true
I mean, you’re the devil, so whatcha gonna do?
Devil: Wait a minute. A tinge of doubt crosses my mind
When you say that you want to make a deal with me.
You find the rest on your own, OK?
The Smell of Molten Projects in the Morning 
I told ’em a 21% “punishment rate”, 27 thousand and 4 credit cards, and they kept going. I also threw in some utterly random responses (“Sheet fork eye table?”) to see what happened (what happens is nothing – these people really stick to their scripts). Unfortunately, at that point my ancient Saudi phone elected to flake out and its microphone stopped working. My attempt to get a touch tone phone in here so I can abuse these clowns was only partially successful, it seems.
I also want to try a variant of what another commenter suggested, pretending to say to someone else in the room “You getting this, Rog? Yep, I’m tracing it … dialed from somewhere out west …. Arizona, looks like … Phoenix area … Get a team ready … switched through the CO on Indian School road … OKAY, we got an address! 24th and Osborne, send ’em in with guns blazing!”
One of these calls, I’ll start talking right over them, in a bored memorized-script voice: “All call to this facility are recorded and traced for security purposes. What is your name? What is your case number?”
“CCS: [background chatter, loud crash, call disconnects.]”
I was thinking that a person having 4 cards is not enough to make a CCS person faint!
Perhaps from disbelief?
Apparently they’re on to us. Now whenever I go off-script, they just hang up on me. They still call back though, so I’ll have to modify my tactics.
We’re now getting calls from Rachael‘s sister, but when I press 1 to be connected to an actual human, they replay the first few sentences of the robo-call and hang up on me.
Sort of like getting the bare template in a spam message, rather than the filled-in version: makes one question their competence, it does…
Bwahahaha! I managed to keep “Kelly” (whose name later became “Sarah”) on the phone for nearly 25 minutes. I kept making verbose asides about the house I’m building and the expenses I’m racking up. I primed Citibank with a fake number, which resulted in “Kelly” being quite confused when she called them and got told there was a “hold” on the account. Better yet, “Sarah” is going to call me back tomorrow!
That seems much better than my used-up “gift card” ploy. Do you call Citibank, tell them that you have a scammer on the line, and arrange a trap? I like the sound of that…
You could develop a steady relationship with CCS!