This call from Credit Card Services lasted about a minute, but was highly informative. I pressed 1 to lower my interest rates, then …
CCS: This call is regarding an issue with your Visa and Mastercard credit card accounts. Based on changes in your credit score and repayment history over the last twelve months, you may be eligible for a lower interest rate. In order to qualify, you must have a balance on at least one card of at least $4000. Is that the case?
CCS: The interest rate on that account must average more than 12 percent. Is that the case?
CCS: I must verify your phone number. Our records show that it is [reads off number].
CCS: And your name is [reads off my formal name, which shows he doesn't know me from Adam Smith].
CCS: What is the total balance on all your credit cards?
Me: Well, that’s hard to say.
CCS: All we need is an estimate.
Me: Let’s call it ten grand. [This is a lie. Next time, I'll say twenty grand.]
CCS: And how many credit cards do you have?
Me: Four. [Also a lie. Next time, I'll say eight.]
CCS: [background chatter, loud crash, call disconnects.]
Previous Credit Card Services contestants have sworn that they do not know what number they dialed. After you pass a minimum qualification, well, suddenly they do know your number and your name. Huh. Who’d'a thunk it?
This contestant did not pass me to the CCS Level 2 Closer, the guy who attempts to tongue-wrestle victims into divulging a credit card number that he will instantly siphon money out of. We recently burned the balance in a gift card obtained for test-driving a Toyota (hey, I won’t pass up free money), so maybe I’ll feed those digits into the next call.
If I sounded more enthusiastic, I’m sure I could reach the Closer!
I used to think that a sensible person running a scam like CCS would make it a point to not re-call smartasses who jerk my reps around. Now, I’m sure the reps run on pure commission and the marginal cost of making a phone call sits right around zero, so the sensible person running CCS has nothing to lose.
Search herein for Credit Card Services (or just CCS) to find previous installments of this continuing adventure.
The title is a tip o’ the cycling helmet to Zappa:
Motorcycle Man: Well, let’s make a deal if you think that’s true
I mean, you’re the devil, so whatcha gonna do?
Devil: Wait a minute. A tinge of doubt crosses my mind
When you say that you want to make a deal with me.
You find the rest on your own, OK?